PERCEPTION

"My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

- "Life After God" Douglas Coupland 

 "But you saw no fault, and no cracks in my heart. You knelt beside my hope torn apart."

- "The Ghosts that We Knew" Mumford and Sons

Ten days ago, I ran along the rain-soaked sidewalks of historic Old Colorado City in Colorado Springs, CO--my mind nailed down with the weight of uncertainties and disillusionment about tectonic plate shifts in my relationships, my finances, my professional life....After sprinting through a sudden burst of showers, I came to a screeching halt. I felt self-absorbed and gross. I felt alone and unwanted. I felt confident and trusting, confused and muddled, Delighted in and tarnished. All at once. Frustrated again that while these moments do not hold the iron-fisted reign over my heart that they once had, I cannot quite escape their somewhat frequent, insidious, soul-penetrating screams of revolt. 

It was the first of what would prove to be many mini-meltdown moments. I knew (and know) that my struggles, while basic in their core, are giant and looming to me, but a young child soldier in the Sudan or a Christian living in Pakistan would scoff at how easily I am crippled.

After a short period of stillness, I came to my senses, and lifted my head.  As I looked up, I saw the brilliant rainbow in the photo above--and knew that this was a small kiss from God. A whisper that uttered, "But your heartaches and pain are big to you, therefore, they are important to me as well. Check out this cool piece of art I made for you! I've got your back, Paris. You're going to be alright. Did you hear me? I've...got...you." (Yup, sometimes God uses my nickname/ last name--He's cool like that.)

And once again, without any logical explanation, peace crashed over me.  I began to realize that although so many of my circumstances...suck, once again, I am better than okay--I'm amazing, actually. Because He called, again, and I followed...again.  And I know Him, and His love for me--and more importantly, His ferocious "like" for me--in life-changing ways that depend on nothing other than my acceptance of this. I could lose every friend, never find "true" love, squander my talents..."fail" in every way possible--I could make self-destructive, disgusting mistakes, and He would love me in the same ways as He does now.  Yet, I find myself either resting in the rolling hills of this knowledge, or locked in a self-made prison of a thousand mirrors--each reflecting back a facet of my worst self...I begin to listen to the hissing in my head that declares: "You mess everything up...no one will ever truly love you...something is so wrong with you--if and when people see the real you, warts and all, they will always, always run away--either screaming, or with indifference. You, my friend, are an epic fail"... So, in terms of God's unconditional love--Knowing this, Believing this, and Living in the freedom of this are three different issues. And, it's all about perspective.

After I developed the photo of the rainbow, I noticed a distinct male profile looming in-between the clouds--He seems to be gazing toward the heavens, and the clouds on either side of him look, to me, like outstretched arms.  I'm not sure whether anyone else sees this same dude, or if the clouds appear to other observers to resemble a guitar. Or a unicorn. Or Kobe Bryant.  But, the rainbow itself and the developed picture provided me with two different angles on the same moment.  As I witnessed the rainbow, I felt hugged, and loved. When I looked at the still, I was struck by my utter, constant need for God--by the fact that whether we are healing and healthy, mired in woundedness, or masked and fake/ cloaked in our pretense of self-manufacturing and pride, we are all broken. Humanity is broken. Every....last...one...of...us. And this man or angel or whatever--let's call him "George"--George represented to me an unmasked, vulnerable turn toward heaven. George seems to be looking toward God and just saying "Help".

Fifteen days ago, when I left the 405, the 5, the 110, the 101, etc., etc. of Los Angeles to drive back toward the sprawling beauty, the crisp, fresh air and the protective peaks of Colorado Springs, I brimmed with confidence in my choice, and was full of Trust that jumping off the cliff of uncertainty meant grabbing onto the hang glider of Faith that would gently direct me and provide a soft and smooth landing. Unfortunately this is not typically how Life--or my Life anyway--works....When the tangible relationships and jobs and earthly "reasons of purpose" fall out of my clutching hands, when the beginnings of the phenomenal canvas I have painted in my mind fail to materialize, I am forced to recognize that God is truly the only part of this whole mess that matters. That He is enough. Period. It is okay to desire fulfillment in all of these areas, and it's great to seek and dream about only "good" things, and they may come....but I am learning that the "Blessings" of Life often come when I am least expecting them, and appear in the tattered clothes of a street person or the rabid nature of a wolf more often than not. What I mean, I guess, is that the hardest, most painful, loneliest situations are often the catalyst that provides polish for the scrapes and decay in my metal-- when I am isolated and forced to look at my messy insides...when I recognize my need for "weeding" in my own heart, it opens my eyes and my world to deeper relationship with God, deeper connection with others--released from all expectations, deeper engagement with my passions, my artistic drives, the world around me...the small moments and the large.  I hate that this is so--I wish that I could refine my character and grow deeply with God only through amazing friendships, fellowship, finding my "true love"...through spending all day, each and every day, creating art...through world travel...through a huge option on a script, or through winning the PowerBall--but that's not typically how it works. (I am certainly open to receiving each and every one of these gifts, though ;-)).

It is so easy to become weighted down by things that suck. But again, it's all about perspective. The divorces, the death of a loved one, the harsh news about an incurable disease...the loss of a profession, or the inability to find one...sexual and physical abuse, rape, poverty, drug and alcohol addictions...victims of violence and of hate...corruption in the church...broken friendships and familial relationships--these are always painful and heart-rending, regardless of our perspectives. The difference, though, comes from resting in the knowledge that there is so much more than this. That one day, we will be beyond these things. One day, we will be able to become whole again. Recognizing that these horrible and painful things will  occur in each of our lives but that there is Hope beyond this doesn't diminish the heartbreak, but it frees us up. It allows us to experience a deep Joy and Purpose and Peace that surpasses all of our brokenness.

When I lose sight of this, I become paralyzed. When I lose sight of this, each and every wound that I've ever experienced rushes back to the surface, and I feel so very weighted down. I can mask it with the fun, bouncy, funny ways I've mastered, but it erupts internally with a deafening shriek that  implodes my heart.  However, when I acknowledge that hard things will occur periodically throughout my journey--that I cannot escape this--but that these things do not define me, I gain perspective and energy and hope.  

On a humorous note, the idea for this post germinated when I was resting at the apex of a mountain trail hike. I was lulled into believing I was the only soul around, and so, spread myself across the rocks and closed my eyes. After a few moments, I heard the voices of teenage boys 'rounding the bend close below. As they neared, I saw two languid-limbed, acne-scarred, long-haired "metal heads". I heard one of them distinctly say, "Yeah, I don't really care for Aunt Sarah." I felt my head grow warm and my insides shake--how did he even know that I'm an Aunt? But as I listened further, I realized that what he really said was, "I don't really care for Pantera."  As in the old school heavy-metal band, Pantera....Perspective.

So, although I hope that there are many more "great" situations to come...situations that inspire a huge, praise-filled "thanks", I will continue to be thankful for all of the change that comes about because of the difficult ones. And I, like George, will just turn upward with outstretched arms and say "help".

Self-confession/ introspection has slowly evolved as the theme behind these posts,  but I thank you for reading anyway. And, I continue to hope that my experiences will help other weary travelers along their way. 

"If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." -"Blue Like Jazz" Donald Miller