"Hold on to what you believe, in the night, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight."-"Hold on to What You Believe"-Mumford & Sons
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Wait, what do we do? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."-"Finding Nemo"
"'I wish I had a million dollars!...Hot dog!'"- George Bailey in "It's A Wonderful Life"
It's been awhile since I've posted, and reflecting back on this year, I realize that I've learned a lot. I AM wordy/ a huge chatter...I can't help it:-)--it's who I am. But, I'm never boring, and I always listen (if you casually tell me a story about your first grade teacher, Mrs. Appleby, I'll remember her name ten years from now--if there's an embarrassing "poop" story shared, I'll remember that forever as well. 'Don't know if this is a strength, or a weird weakness, but it's true!)... Love it or hate it, that is Sarah Paris. And I've realized much about that too--who I am, I mean. I know, and am finally okay, with...me. That took years (30+, in fact), but regardless of whether I am "up" or "down" in this life, I won't change or compromise what makes up...me. (Constantly working on the flaws though...and, yup--totally aware of each and every one of them:-))
All that said, the glaring difference between 2012 and 2013 in my life is...well, glaring. 2012 was not without its sucky or painful moments, but that's just life. However, for me, it was choc full of adventure, promise, and the beginnings of fruition. I learned and grew immensely, I traveled and met a plethora of amazing, fun, and "good" people whom I hope to carry with me for a lifetime, and I felt confident in each step that I took. 2013 began in a similar fashion, but all that I thought I knew I was stepping toward seemed to continually fall apart in a bloody, rancid way. My problems are never of the silly "What a day...my boss yelled at me and I had a flat tire" variety, nor are they of the horrific "I am a persecuted follower of God living in Afghanistan/ After my family was slaughtered, I was forced to become a child soldier in the Sudan, but I still keep hope and faith alive" ilk. I try to maintain perspective, and typically can do a good job at such, and I am acutely aware that I have much to be thankful and grateful for, but the moments where I want to collapse under the weight of things...the moments of doubt, confusion, wrenching heartache, and a dull, panicked uncertainty about many areas of life...they occurred with a higher rate of frequency in 2013 than ever before. However, 2012 and 2013 hold equal importance in my story, and in my life. As a note to 2014, though--if you could be more like your cool, fun, and funny older brother, '12, and far less similar to your bitchy, judgmental middle sister, '13, that would be awesome. Thanks.
It's been a year since I began this blog, and as much as the funny, sarcastic, and light stories that I envisioned sharing have been enveloped with honest and raw self-confessionals (and that was a surprising and hard turn for me), I know that I've done the right thing. Each time I've shared, it is because I felt strongly that I was supposed to do so. Thanks to all of you who've faithfully read my posts to their bitter ends--again, I know they are of a daunting length at times. And, I truly hope that I've helped at least one other person through my writings.
Thus, in no particular order, I thought I'd share a list of things I've learned this year...If you've read this far, you're amazing--thank you! And, might as well stick it out to the bitter end;-)...
12. I still laugh so hard that I cry at the same type of things that would split my sides at 16--and I hope this never changes.
11. I yearn to continue to live an "adventure"--I don't ever want boredom, safety, "stuff", and routine to eclipse wonder, awe, connection with others, and eye-opening, life-changing moments.
10. Pretense, Judgmentalism, Deception, and Phoniness are the ugliest, most insecure personality traits--and as much as people who possess these traits need compassion and love, I have no time for them. And I think they're toxic. Be who you truly are!!!
9. Doing the "right" thing and taking the "right" steps may not always produce immediate results, and may produce excruciating pain, but this does not make these situations any less "right".
8. "To live without taking risks is to risk not living" (Brennan Manning)--I WILL fall and fail (be it in minisicule or "gynormous, horr-ee-blay" ways) @ least once every day. Paradoxically, as a child of God, I finally understand that I will never be loved more or less than I am at this moment--the full, unconditional embrace of God & the bottomless sea of Grace that He offers remain regardless of what I've done or what's been done to me, and I can never, ever do anything to deserve it or lose it. This is slowly but surely transforming me in my relationships as well. I need to let go of my expectations of others, and love those in my life in a new, deeper, more authentic, more vulnerable, and more honest way.
7. I would rather try and face rejection and failure a million times than live with regrets--in any aspect of life.
6. Vodka, Guinness, and Jaegermeister are wonderful creations. And delicious. And full of vitamins. And not fattening. And I love them. ('Just wanted to see if you're still reading;-))
5. I am called to RISK relationally--to force myself to not wall up. Or shut down. Or push. Or sabotage. Or run away....Even when that's all I want to do--especially if that's all I want to do. Investment is just that--giving of one's self to others at the risk of hurt, betrayal, dishonesty, rejection, etc....I hope that there are at least five people in my life who know that they "can count on me" if they're in need. A surface, disconnected, masked, unshared life is no life at all.
4. After leaving Los Angeles, everything seems inexpensive, and traffic never sucks. And, it takes approx. 7 months to rid one of the annoying "Yeah, Yeah, yeah" L.A. lingo. And, at least 2 months to realize that not everyone in the world is as passionate about/ moved by films as you are...
3. ...Having at least one person in your life who laughs at the same things you do, enjoys the same activities, loves the same films, is annoyed by the same situations and people...is something to be cherished and thankful for...Even if you don't see him/her often...even if there are fractures in the relationship...the latter are a fair trade for the former.
2. Open communication and loving honesty are the keys to success in ANY kind of relationship (family, love, friendship, professional relationships)--with these things, any issues or hurdles are surmountable...sans these things, there will always be struggle.
1. Fun can be had anywhere...at any time...and is just as vital as the deep, profound moments of Life.
Thanks for reading. And, Merry Christmas!
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)
