GO. SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAINS

"In this world, you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"-John 16:33 (NIV)

I penned the above title three weeks ago, and then angrily left the blank canvas of my page...blank.  The only thing I wanted to scream from the "mountains" was "F*#@!".  I felt as though my climb toward the peak was meandering and full of bramble and dead-ends...cliffs and insurmountable boulders.  As though I could still see that majestic peak towering in the distance, but it loomed just as far out of reach as it had years before...I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lift my heavy head from my path and set my gaze upon the destination...everywhere I looked, I saw crap, and unanswered prayers (because, come on, God! Clearly, I'm on a time table here;-))...my climb felt for naught.  I prayerfully and obediently took steps but it felt as though they led off of the trail, and I felt like a failure.

I marvel at my ability to sabotage all of the goodness my God brings to my life...He has taught me time and time again that He is good--all of the time.  That TRUST means clinging onto Him, and not plunging backward into that deeply dark and painful and rancid cave of disobedience, self-loathing, self-hatred, and the grabby hands of attempt at control.  That TRUST proves itself only when there is no other option...only when self-reliance has fallen by the wayside, and nothing looks concrete, or correct, or full of light.  When I feel most alone, instead of falling into old patterns of walled-up relational sabotage, paralyzed stagnancy and doubt, these are the moments where God tells me if I cling to Him, He will make everything new.

And so, in that gross moment of despair, I wondered why I would write this blog? I had no desire to begin it in the first place? I felt led to do so, but wondered if the generalized bearing of my soul encouraged or refreshed anyone else in the process...I am not a shining example of what a consistent, deep drinking from the well looks like, and shouldn't this type of pouring through written word be reserved for encouraging words of growth, and victory? Of what blessings a sprint after Jesus results in?

 ...And then I came home to Colorado.  God has taught me such an overwhelming amount about myself, about the people he has called me to walk Life with, about His Grace, and His Bear Hug around my heart and my soul and my life...He's taught me this in seven short days, and truthfully, I've learned it before.  Many, many times, and in many, many different ways.  And truthfully, like a toddler, He will most likely bring me back to this stripped bare, painful lessons station of life many, many times in the future as well.  I haven't arrived, and although I grow and change in some ways, I will still shoulder the chains of my broken self in some fashion throughout this journey.  But, I guess the freedom, and the exhiliration, and the true connectedness with others, and the intimate moments with the God who Loves me (Oh! How He Loves Me So) comes from accepting this, and letting it go--day-to-day, minute-to-minute...and for the souls (like my own) that cannot get out of their own way, sometimes second-to-second.

As I write this, I am mere hours away from the jaunt back to Los Angeles, and although I am not looking forward to diving back into that world, I am...at this moment...okay.  And great. And at peace.  I have struggled with self-absorbed, suicidal moments, moments where I question why my struggles seem to circle around the same issues, time and time again...why my heart can so easily bleed, and forget the great moments...how it can look to the future and forget about hope, and only remember despair, and the pain of the climb.  But, right now, I rest in the knowledge...and the confidence that my God has me. And that even if no one else reads this, or finds anything helpful in my visual wordiness, He is using this articulation to change...me.

I remember the ways in which He has reaffirmed that I am obediently stepping after Him...and, I  know that He still has me.  I know that He has called me...to my vocation, to my geographical stop for a season, to particular people, to praise Him by creating artistically--I am not in a moment where I see these affirmations, or results, and much in my life is hard right now...But I am learning to let the enormity and the sufficiency of His Love (above anything and all else) seep in--I am growing deeply in my relationship with Him, and realizing that I just.  need. to. follow....

I like the illusion of holding control, but I've proven that when I try to snag those reins, I miss out on the amazing ends that relinquishing them provides.  

"COLORADO, IS IT TOO LATE? CAN I CHANGE MY MIND AND COME HOME?"- The Flying Burrito Brothers

I hiked a still-snow-covered trail at Garden of the Gods this morning...the air crisp, the sun soothing, the atmosphere still...and as I stood facing Pikes Peak, and the white-capped Rockies, I stopped. Stopped moving. Stopped the internal dialogue. Stopped thinking about what tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month will bring.  This is an almost physically painful act of volition for me to complete (those of you who know me well are giggling, as you have each experienced my conversational tangents and long-winded e-mails on many occasions--thanks for loving me even still, by the way;-)), but as friends and that annoying nudging of God at the back of my mind have urged me to do so, I did. Five minutes, but even still:-)! Those five minutes reminded me of how big my God is, of how fruitless my self-reliance is...and I knew, once again, that I would be well.

Although I moved to Los Angeles for professional reasons a little under five months ago,  I knew even initially that this was "for a season"/  not a permanent move.  But, the longing for Colorado Springs that ripped at my heart was completely unexpected.  I knew that I'd miss it a bit, but was certainly not expecting the ache that encompassed me.  

When I first moved to Colorado Springs, things were...hard and messy, to say the least.  I spent a good amount of time hating the place (I know, with such phenomenal natural surroundings, it is hard to believe that anyone other than an angsty teenager could feel this way), and could not wait to leave.  And then, a few years ago, God began (beginning, oddly enough, with a song-"(Oh!) How He Loves" by the David Crowder Band) to move in my heart and my life in new and once again, transformative, ways.  I began to form connections with healthy, non-toxic, like-minded fellow travellers, I unearthed the God-given talents I'd buried in self-defeat, and I came out of the comatose swamp in which I dwelled and began to LIVE again...and I started to Love Colorado.  But, I always had the sneaking suspicion that I wound up here due to my horrible decision-making skills, and my disobedience--that I knew I had a role to play in the film industry, but was avoiding it, and that the myriad issues and struggles I experienced in Colorado were a direct result of my brokenness.  Even through these past few years...I thought that God would say to me, if confronted, "Um...you are single, and have not progressed as far as you should have professionally, and are just now connecting to my community because your decisions suck. I'm still gonna work with you here, but know that I did not bring you to this spot...know that I roll my eyes and sigh in your general direction. Often."  In case you're wondering, this is a lie....a gross arrow to pierce my heart.

God spoke to me in a plethora o' ways over this past week, but the newest, and largest revelation? "Ah, Sarah. You don't understand...did you ever think that perhaps I was calling you to this state, to this city, to this church, to these people the whole time?  That I needed you to weed around your tree of life, and grow, and spend time away in order to teach you? ...I've been calling you here the whole time--but I needed your stubborn, defensive walls and plugged ears to open in order for you to experience this truth." Wow. Amazing. Phenomenal. True....He is not done with me in Los Angeles quite yet--even though I desperately wish He was--to pack up and come back tomorrow would rob me of the reasons He called me there in the first place--the blessings of both struggles and gifts, the open doors to solidify my writing full-time, the sturdy growth which will allow me to be used in the next steps of my journey/ allow me to feed others.  However, I don't think it will be long...I won't be coming back with a head hung, or tail between my legs... I won't come because it's hard and painful and lonely where I am...But I'll come because He's called me. And I'll come with fresh eyes. And I can't wait.  And I am ruining my make-up and grossing out fellow coffee-shop goers as I write this through a cascade of tears, so...enjoy:-).

"ALL OUR TRIALS, AND ALL OUR TEARS....GOD OUR HOPE, HE HAS OVERCOME....ALL OUR FAILURES, AND ALL OUR FEARS...GOD OUR HOPE, HE HAS OVERCOME."- "Take Heart" Hillsong




As always, thanks so much for reading...I never know what the finished pictures of these posts will look like as I sit down to paint the words, and I never expect them to be so...self-confessional.  I hope that my struggles can help inspire hope.