It is a %$#@ cold winter in Los Angeles

Well, 2013 is upon us...fifteen years ago, I would have assumed I'd be in my hovercraft with my beautiful, gloriously witty, artistic, godly, adventurous and rugged, studly husband (okay, honestly? still would love to meet him), along with our 2.5 kids, en route to Jupiter to direct and star in my feature film, using one camera that shoots simultaneous angles and acts as a handheld, static, dolly, etc. um...yeah, that's a complete fabrication, but as we imagine life, and project our futures, with time it becomes painfully obvious that the winding path will take us in directions, and through detours, that we have never imagined.

My sandpapered eyes and aching muscles are still in recovery mode from New Year's Eve-not because I "partied it up", or bonded with loved ones...but as a result of working the bar gig that I took to supplement my writing income. 'Never thought I'd say that again...it is weirdly, illogically okay, however.  Re-embracing the creative path that has always ignited my passion, placed the fire in my belly, and stood as my true calling means that in humility, I must open myself up to whatever will enable me to fully realize and utilize my talents in ways that will best serve others. This bramble-covered rocky hike began two years ago, and my oh my, what a crazy trek up the mountain.

In the past two years... I have traversed the country-from the protective,velvet towers of the Rockies, to the Atlantic, to the suburbs of Washington, DC, back to the "purple mountain majesties", and now, the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles, while I escape to the Pacific to inhale, and gingerly dip my toes in the cooling waters of perspective... I quit my well-paying job, gave up my apartment, left those whom had become my "chosen" family...saw and re-connected with old friends along the way, spent months in the nostalgic gaudiness of my childhood vacation spot on Maryland's Eastern Shore...worked a film festival...got paid to write a feature film...got behind the camera/ in a director's booth for the first time in years...re-ignited my love for/ hobby of photography...hunkered down in the eye of a hurricane...grew deep relationships with the small, bottomless pits of wonder that are my nephews and nieces...spent time facing and resolving childhood issues/ grew closer with my parents...imprisoned in my car, watched in horror as apocalyptic-like flames licked my beloved mountain town...had 9.11 flashbacks as chunks of molten ash fell on my car, and cell phone lines were cleared for emergency use only...helped those who experienced huge loss sift through the ashes of their lives-both literally and figuratively-in ways that grew me and taught me the true meaning of love and hope and strength ...discovered that yes, it is important to purposefully reach out to new and untried people and as a result, found unexpected amazing friendships...grew closer with old friends....drifted away from others...realized that my U-Haul of a romantic past notwithstanding, love may still find me...drank, in full, the beauty in the nature surrounding me-marveled as I ran, breathless up and down the sides of mountains, and in various 5Ks while realizing that metaphorically, this is also how I am called to live life.

I've laughed so hard that I've peed myself, and wept so deeply that I thought my heart would break...I've been insecure, self-loathing, and trembling with fear, and I have been confident, at peace, hopeful, and full of love...I've wondered if God walks beside me, and in those very moments, have felt Him scoop me into His arms...

Thus, as I sleep on a deflating air mattress on a rock hard wooden floor, and I spend my hours writing for a pittance, or working grueling late night hours...as I miss Colorado and its beauty, and my friends, and my community there...it's all okay! I know this moment is temporary, and my time here in LA, and here on Earth may be also...But I've seen glimpses of what this future holds, I walk tentative steps wherever I see a sliver of light illuminating the path, and it is...a....maz...ing. And I just want to be a part of it. I want to take a swan dive into the sea of Life, and know that there will be moments where I cut myself on the corral, inhale too much water and choke up phlegm (yum!), befriend a dolphin that transforms into a shark...but those things are what make the lulling roar of the waves, the cleansing of the water, the colors of the schools of fish all the more beautiful...and, just when I think I'll drown, I get thrust back to the surface and regain my breath.

Wow-this is so not what I intended to write today-I was imagining a post full of biting and clever wit on the ins and outs of LA (maybe that's the next one?) but it's where my God and my fingers took me... Is this just sanctimonious drivel? I certainly hope not. As always, thanks for reading, and I appreciate any and all feedback-blogging is a foggy world for me, and I am still just trying to feel my way through it.
                                                          10,000 REASONS