“We’re still funny, talented, insightful, but this recording is playing in our heads: What happened? Why am I unknown, lonely, and lost? Why hasn’t this worked out the way I imagined? So we dig our own trenches & face increasingly complicated life issues alone. We may meet in small groups, but it’s more play acting than authenticity. We show cracks in measures, with little intention of allowing anyone to help fill them. Not again. That hurt too much. Not again… (But) what if it was less important that anything ever gets fixed than that nothing has to be hidden?” –“The Cure” John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, & Bill Thrall
“When you are loved, you no longer fear change nor are you afraid to change. When you love you are willing to embrace the sacrifice of change and make the sacrifices to change. When you live a life of love, you are not bound to who you are but to who you will become. Love transforms…Take time to invest in the people who are in your life. Slow down if you have to, and bring them with you. It is better to adjust your pace than to walk alone. A life well lived isn’t about who walks the fastest but about who has the most people walking with them….so invest well….Invest your life in people, and you will begin to build for yourself a relational net that catches you when you fall and picks you up when you’re no longer strong enough to walk by yourself. You were never meant to walk alone.”
-“Wide Awake” Erwin McManus
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”-John 13:34 (NIV)
Although I typically post on this blog once every two weeks, I have been resoundingly silent and wordless for going on over two months now. There is an ocean of reasons for this—but it is not worth plunging into those depths… However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is time. And I know that while I am the furthest thing from an expert on love and relationships, this is what I am supposed to share with you. This one is looong—please bear with me!
As always, I am discovering truths as I process and find artistic ways to articulate them. Thanks ahead of time for reading the “unpacking” of this messy and haphazard suitcase.
For most of my adulthood, I have believed that relationships are the most important thing in Life—that truly investing in and committing to friends and romantic partners is the only way to authentically engage with Life…that to make a lasting, positive impact on another is the only way to “live a good Life”, and within the confines of my personal faith, is the way that one can truly exude Christ…So how can I gingerly walk backward on my path—even in steps recently taken—and find my feet bloodied by the sharp and painful shards of broken friendships? Why, after guarding my heart so fiercely, do mangled pieces of said heart hang from the tree branches of heartbreak and broken romance? And what does this mean in terms of how I should live Life in healing and in the amazing rich and deep engagement with Life that Love offers?
…I went through a period in my late 20s & the slivers of the dawn of my 30s when I consciously chose not to let anyone new in. I began this path o’ engagement with Life with a sprint, but that meandered to a crawl when I found that many of my friendships with those whom I was “walking with” & the times that I had tentatively and then fully entrusted my heart romantically resulted in a horrific and disfiguring crash. My heart was bruised to the point that it sent sharp pain into my soul any time it was seen or touched by another. What I failed to realize, however, is that this is true for almost anyone who is authentically engaged with Life…who has opened up in complete honesty, and depth, and vulnerability with others. And, I was so lonely. This “numbing” of my feelings, emotions, and investments led to a “fun, carefree, & surface mask” that I wore for so long that I did not know how to even begin to expunge the internal broken places, how to truly be vulnerable without shame. Although I made myself available to others, I did not share my own heart. Thus, I felt so very disconnected.
Love is painful. As the amazing 80s hair band Nazareth so aptly put it, “Love Hurts”. Imperfect love shared with imperfect humans will create imperfect relationships. Some of these investments will be worth the risk, the hurt, the uncertainty—as both people are fully committed to honesty, vulnerability, and the work of love. In these relationships, as we traverse the hard spots of the path together, we will stumble upon thorny bushes of past hurts and insecurities. But, together, we will work on the painful process of de-thorning and trimming back the overgrowth. Yes, this takes work. Real love often does.
And, there are others who will not treasure or protect our hearts—whether they are stuck in the woundedness of their own paths, or have overlooked our deepest heart offerings, they will not remain committed to journeying down this path with us—they will shield their own hearts, run away, and drop ours in the process…BUT—and here’s where the real crazy comes in—we continue to love in spite of this. I finally understand that love outweighs the rejection and pain.
When I shut down, or project fears and past hurts…when I place expectations on others or refuse to make the scary and vulnerable commitment to explore love and invest, I am NOT shielding myself from hurt. I am not free. I am drowning in a sea of hurt and fear, and am missing out on the great, life-giving breath that love offers.
As I reflect on what I’ve written before, I realize that the fingerprints of past posts are all over this—without realizing it, thematically this is perhaps exactly what I am called to write about (I can be damned funny, though! I swear!)—possibly freeing up myself and others through the process.
And so, I want to “unpack” the rest of this well-worn trunk of luggage here, because I am convinced that when we walk in the true light of what God’s Love is, and thus, illuminate our love for others, we will find ourselves in a deep, unmasked, beautiful, messy Life. I want to share what I think I’ve discovered love is, and what it is most definitely not.
As a follower of Christ, I am taught that His greatest commandment is Love—that I am to love others as He has loved me…And how has He loved me? He has promised that He will never, ever leave me—that regardless of how deeply I dive down the well of failure and sin, even as I focus my eyes on the utter darkness of that well bottom and forget about the light above, His love for me never changes. Whether I am hopeful & healthy & focused on Him & others or I turn inwardly and refuse to deal with difficulties head on. If I turn to things that will numb me or allow me to compartmentalize rather than turn to the painful cauterization of Grace which will confront the hurt and then take it away…whether I say “No thanks, God. I’m fine on my own”, or I shake my fists in anger and disappointment…if I take all of the credit for triumphs and wittingly enter into situations of which He is not a part of…He promises that NOTHING can separate me from His love—not amazing circumstances or crappy, bleak ones…Not doubt or confusion...Not wealth or poverty, not addiction or sobriety. Nothing.
He says that His love for me is engraved on the palms of His hands. Wow. So how does this translate to how I love those whom I’ve invested in—whether I am loved back or not? Does it mean that every person in my Life should know my deepest struggles, my most painful memories, and my most tender parts? No--because He also tells me that my heart is the wellspring of life and that I should guard it above all else.
So what in the world does it mean? It means that when I feel drawn toward others, when a friend or a guy with whom I am romantically involved reaches toward my heart, that although I should reveal it slowly and with discernment, I cannot approach these situations with the expectation of being stomped on, or of acting as the stomper. I can’t say, “Well, I’ve been hurt tremendously in the past, so I will wear that hurt as protective armor”. I can’t expect these people to act a certain way or to do certain things because they’ve reached out. And, I can’t place those expectations on myself either. They set me up for failure, and cause me to Lord my wounded heart over the head of the other person.
As I reach toward the heart of others, it means that I cannot go into a friendship or romantic relationship saying, “Well, I suck at relationships, so be prepared”. It means that if these people choose to be vulnerable with me or to share their struggles with me, I will be committed to walking with them through these things. It means that I cannot force them to share or draw close. It means loving them just as they are, right where they are—and not basing this choice/ commitment on whether or not they’re doing well—I am not called to “save” or “fix” anyone. It means reaching out to the darkest places and people with obvious struggles and saying, “I know that you’re struggling behind that mask. I am here if and when you decide you need me.” And, the most painful part to swallow—this means offering that love whether it is rejected or not.
If the people whom I selectively enter into this realm of authenticity with choose to back away or not reciprocate or climb back to the surface and refuse to re-plunge to the depths…even if they choose to cut me out entirely, it means that although I still offer this love, I should be slow and discerning in terms of trusting them again. It means that I should not throw my heart at them or base my self-worth on their reactions. It means that once I’ve offered this, I cannot rescind the offer based on their reactions. It means that on any level, in any aspect of Life, I must choose NOT to live reactively. It means that I do not continue to reach out once rejected, but that I will forgive and move on.
Within my community of peeps collectively on the same path, it means that I shoulder the responsibility of doing everything in my power to heal broken relationships—I am actually called to remain invested and committed with these people…which kind of pisses me offJ. It means that if I do find “true love”, I remain fully committed to that guy in terms of the work that pays off in dividends—even when it is the most horrifying thing in the world.
Conversely, love does NOT mean “being nice” or ignoring issues rather than confronting them head on. It does not mean uttering the words “I love you” in the same light fashion as “Gasundheit”—it means that this phrase should always carry weight. It does not mean fully opening yourself up to those whom have already proven themselves untrustworthy.
Love requires the willingness to go deep down in the trenches with others. Love requires passion. Love requires intentional investment. Love requires risk. Love requires action.
In light of this knowledge, will I be hurt again? Most definitely, resoundingly, sickeningly “yes”. Will I lose more people along the way? In terms of everything within my power to affect this outcome, “no”… but probably “yes”. Will my heart re-break when I invest romantically again without that paying off long term? I hope not, but therein lies the rub—love is always risky, and always messy.
However, I’ve discovered that a Life without this conscious, active commitment to invest in others, a Life sans openness of the heart, is no Life at all. And so, I will love like a waterfall, and not like a filtered faucet or a watering can. I will love without letting expectations or battle wounds get in the way. I will not let my past or the past of those whom I love dictate the future. I will not let fear of rejection prevent me from the amazing unfolding of shared vulnerability. I will let those whom I love know that I am in it for the long haul, but that they need to receive this—I will not push myself on anyone.
And, in the much more succinct words of Mumford & Sons, I will love with urgency but not with haste.
I hope my longwinded words are not full of sanctimony or saccharine. And above all else, I hope that there is something within my confessional struggles that can shed a bit of light for others. As always (but especially after this chunk o’ thoughts), thanks for reading.
